I still set daily sales revenue targets for my staff.
(As if they control how many people come into the store or the products you sell)
I pay the minimum wage for every staff member in every role.
(Because no one is worth more than the minimum wage)
I encourage up-selling.
(It sounds like a good idea to make the customer choose something and then convince them they have made a mistake.)
I greet customers with ‘can I help you?’
(Nothing like giving the customer the easy option to shut one out.)
I teach my staff that the customer is always right.
(And that Santa is real.)
My favourite position is behind the counter.
(And I even have a chair there.)
My floor coverings are more than 5 years old.
(And has been cleaned since the install.)
My counter is in the prime retail position.
(To keep an eye on those thieving bastards – it’s more important than sales.)
I have signs in the store like: ‘break it and considered it yours’ or ‘smile for the camera’.
(Why should you be denied the right to profit from their misfortune?)
I have a buzzer on the door to ping everyone walking in.
(To warn me about those thieving bastards entering the store AND to ensure they know that I know.)
I have a dozen signs/posters from suppliers and community groups stuck in the window
(All in the spirit of communicating with the customer. Saves talking to them instead.)
I have a till.
(All that is required. I know what sells. And the ATO does not need to know.)
I don’t have EFTPOS.
(Why pay those fees when there is an ATM outside?)
I don’t have a website.
(My customers don’t use the website – and they are unlikely to do it anytime soon.)
My business is not claimed on Google Maps.
(My customers know where to find me.)
Strategy & Operations
I treat the landlord and suppliers like adversaries.
(The only thing worse than a thieving customer is thieving landlord who only wants there money and does nothing in return.)
My brand is my logo.
(I really like it – it was designed by my niece and I have a really big one just above the door and that is good enough.)
The only metric I know is daily takings
(It is all that matters. Margins and stockturns and that rubbish are dreamt up by consultants who want to pretend they are smart.)
For bigger companies:
We have an annual business planning session –and even a file to put the plans in.
(Yeah, the environment is stable and it is useful and realistic to do those 5-year projections.
Besides a few days in the Hunter Valley is the least the company can do for me.)
Our site is not optimised for mobile.
(Next thing you are going to say we should e-commerce enabled.)
We don’t know if/where customers are reviewing and rating your business and have no system for tracking it.
(Yelp is a cartoon dog, right?)
Our brand is our logo – in two colours.
(And we have it on a light box above the door. Next year we will do a re-brand and come up with a new logo.)
We have a training manual with a 5-step sales process that ends with ‘closing the sale.’
(Yip – and it starts with prospecting or something like that…)